Twilight

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The front cover of Twilight

Twilight is a vampire romance series written by Dan Brown that takes place in the year 2025. The story makes a bold statement about the difficulties about relationships between teenage girls and century-old vampires, one which can be applied to many aspects of everyday life.

Twilight: New Moon has made over seven thousand dollars from worldwide box office sales. Several studies have proven it to be much more enjoyable when made into a drinking game.

Fans

Fans of the Twilight series are amongst the most respected people in society due to their fine taste in literature. Becoming a Twilight fan is easy, even if you're too lazy to read a book, because the first two in the series are now out on film.

Critical reception

Critics have had nothing but good things to say about the Twilight books. Twilight: New Moon has been referred to as the "Novel of the Century" in a New York Times article. Twilight has sold more copies than any of Dan Brown's other novels.

Noteworthy film critic Jordan Backs has reviewed the first Twilight movie, and gave it a 9/10, saying the film would have received a 10/10 if it had contained more teen angst, awkward silences, and slow-motion scenes.

 
 
Twilight is a gripping tale of two young lovers who will go to any length to be together, even against impossible odds. Their forbidden love crosses the boundaries of rival societies, which makes it all the more thrilling ... [Twilight is] the Titanic of the 21st century, an epic so filled with suspense and originality that viewers will find themselves laughing one moment and crying the next. A must see for men and women, young and old.
 

 

— Jordan Backs


Plot

Some guy on a forum conveniently wrote a plot synopsis of Twilight:

So, okay, there's this girl, right, and her name is Bella Swan, and her dad is in the L.A.P.D. and one day her mom dies so they move out to the small town of Forks Washington because her dad has dreams of being a hermit in the wooded Pacific Northwest like all Vietnam veterans suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Anyway right, Bella starts up her first day at highschool in Forks Washington and everyone hates her and ostracizes the fuck out of her, because she's Black or German or some shit, so Bella meets and rapidly falls in love with the dark and brooding and mysterious young man known only as: Twilight (hence the title).

Anyway, Bella and Twilight fall in love and have all kinds of crazy teenage sex when one night Twilight's power mask falls off and Bella sees his gills, meaning that Twilight is a member of a tribe of ancient, frightening and long misunderstood demons. That's right, Twilight is in fact: A Dracula. And Bella is shocked and pissed the fuck off, but her love for Twilight overpowers her fear and her anger, and he takes Bella back to meet his Dracula clan, and his Dracula cousins; New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. And in their underworld Dracula compound, Bella engages in feasts with Twilight and his family, and Bella wishes never to return to her asshole dad, who is responsible for the wonderful turn her life has taken.

Google's take on Twilight

Bella asks Twilight to turn her into a Dracula so that she may live forever and may have feasts and ride the night on the back of a flying motorcycle, wind in her hair, and liberation, palpable as SHIT. Twilight declines because he's faggot like that, not wanting to taint her beauty by giving her Dracula gills or whatever fag ass reason he has. Anyway, Bella thinks that something's up because she's a detective, and she waits until Twilight gets good and drunk and overhears him talking to his Dracula grandfather, king of the Draculas known only as - The Host. Bella listens and she hears Twilight reveal that he is the Dracula responsible for killing Bella's mother, and Bella gets pissed the FUCK off.

Bella challenges Twilight to a fight to the death to avenge her mother, who she then learns was a famous Dracula slayer. Bella is torn between her love for Twilight and her love for her mother knowing that Twilight was probably only acting in self defence against her mother who hunted Draculas. Anyway, Bella, confused and conflicted, runs into the Forks National Forest to meditate and focus her chi. The spirit of her mother arises from a lake made of tears of blood and tells Bella to follow her heart. Bella steals herself, and takes up her katana and samurai armour. She rides through the night on horseback with her ten thousand strong army of Mongols united under her common law and irradiates all of the Draculas off the face of Forks Washington. She kills Twilight's mortal form and rapes his soul and makes him feel like an ASSHOLE for the pain that he caused her.

With her mother thoroughly avenged, Bella returns to Lake Blood Tears and watches as the spirit of her mother ascends into Valhalla, where she will battle the greatest fallen warriors in Dracula history in preparation for Ragnarok. Bella goes stag to her high school prom that year and tells the popular girls all what cunts they are and threatens to do Tae-Kwon-Do at them if they ever fuck with her ass again. After the prom, Bella walks out of the dance hall and breathes in the night air. She takes a long and pensive drag on a cigarette and puts on her reflective aviators even though it's nighttime. She slips into her leather jacket as though it were a second skin to her, straddles her Triumph Rocket III, gripping the tallest set of ape-hangers your ass has ever seen, and rides off into the sunset, wind in her hair, shotgun slung over one shoulder, keetar slung over the other, forming an X on the back of her back (which is symbolic), and wearing a look of determination on her face.

She remembers how during her great battle, Twilight's cousin New Moon escaped and ran from the Dracula lair. She knows that New Moon will soon be rounding up the other Dracula clans from around the world to exact revenge on Bella and her Mongols. As Bella rides off, she gives the audience one last bit of narration: "They'll come for me. Wherever I go, they'll be there. For their sake, I hope these bastards know what they're in for. No mercy. No forgiveness. No fucking around." Fade to black.

Releases

The Twilight series is composed of many books, in this order:

  1. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
  2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
  3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
  5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
  6. Twilight
  7. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  8. Hannah Montana: The Movie
  9. New Moon
  10. The Last Song
  11. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1)
  12. Eclipse
  13. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 2)
  14. The Host
  15. Snakes On A Plane
  16. Breaking Dawn
  17. Midnight Sun
  18. Vampire Diaries
  19. Glee
  20. Star Wars Episode 2
  21. Star Wars Episode 5
  22. Star Wars Episode 3
  23. Star Wars Episode 1
  24. Star Wars Episode 6
  25. Star War: Backstroke of the West
  26. The Notebook
  27. The Lizzie McGuire Movie